You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
