man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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