my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
