I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
