1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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