It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
