Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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