You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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