this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
