my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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