I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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