were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
