Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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