I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
