plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
