What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
