i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
