his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
