U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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