im drinking this country out of the recession.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
