I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
