Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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