I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
