plz talk dirty to me
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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