take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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