I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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