I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
