he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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