I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
