So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I wish I only lived at night.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
