if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
