I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
As shirtless as possible
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
