it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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