if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
