Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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