So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Randomize
