Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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