I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
