shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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