I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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