my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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