She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
