I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
we should paint friendship bongs
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