i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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