i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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