Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
