it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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