I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
