I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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