me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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