ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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