Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
