You're my little dorito
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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