Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
